Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”