pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
You Might Also Like
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.