Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
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This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Mhm.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
me and my fake scenarios
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer