Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
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Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.