always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When I pack too much for a short trip.