I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich