@HaliPhacks

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

You Might Also Like

@polychromatik

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

@MoistPork

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

@mompsychologist

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

@carlyken

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

@daemonic3

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@TheCatWhisprer

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

@Arroia

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

@cerealtndencies

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night