Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
You Might Also Like
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
this has done me in for some reason
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit