Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
You Might Also Like
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Who’s your best friend?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it