Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂