me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*