I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes