Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
When I laugh on my period