Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
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Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too