The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
NASA has no chill
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
What about second breakfast?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.