Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
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Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
This trial is so absurd 😭