Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”