Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate