Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern