If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
This could be us… but you playing
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.