Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.