BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.