Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up