employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
can’t believe I got front row seats
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating