90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
This could’ve been an email.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.