can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.