When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.