You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.