I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof