I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Those are good neighbors.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?