There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.