I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background