When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
that de-escalated quickly
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Phones down.