When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.