Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.