I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?