Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I think about this a lot
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief