The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
so this horse walks into a bar
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Just say no
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.