“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”![]()
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it