“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
New menu item
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch