Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.