@UnFitz “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
@thelateinnings shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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@UnFitz 
@Bob_Heller Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
@causticbob A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
@tallentennant channeling her this year
@awordforaword “Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
@diaruba74 When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
@Greg_1_Leg *Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
@Stellacopter Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
@JackMackenroth I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
@Darlainky My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.