@ericsshadow If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
@thelateinnings shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
You Might Also Like
@ericsshadow 
@crunchenhanced Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
@JohnLyonTweets Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
@daddygofish I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
@senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
@Dawn_M_ Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
@Brentweets Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
@AllanForsyth Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
@timdonakowski A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
@GrahamKritzer *Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
