shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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Buying a well is money well spent.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
This hospital has everything
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
😂😂😂
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.