shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower


A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”


When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”


*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts


Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.


I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”


My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.