shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like