shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?