shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
You Might Also Like
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.