@thelateinnings

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

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@ericsshadow

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

@crunchenhanced

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@daddygofish

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

@AllanForsyth

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

@timdonakowski

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.