shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.


Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.


Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.


I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.


Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.


Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.


Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.


A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.