@thelateinnings

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

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@UnFitz

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@diaruba74

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

@Greg_1_Leg

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

@Stellacopter

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@JackMackenroth

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

@Darlainky

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.