My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up