god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Why is everyone getting married at me
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
blocked.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”