My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars