Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: