[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
This a good idea
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.