I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop