Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Stop sending me this shit.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.