Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Going to church you guys need anything

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

hmm conte-me mais

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.