My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
i think both sides are to blame here
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired