*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.