If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza