@mrt1m

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

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@Wuttercuerk

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

@

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

@roxiqt

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

@amusedbyu

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

@WilliamAder

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

@3sunzzz

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!