Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this