Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
🤣😂
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
This could’ve been an email.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
You can’t outrun your problems…
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs