me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing